What Will I Believe?

Have you ever believed lies so completely that they actually began to define a new truth?

On Friday, I was mulling over something someone had said about my horsemanship intentionally to wound me...it was a lie...but by rehearsing what she said over and over again in my head I began to believe the lie! For 48 hours I became what she ridiculed me as being...something that I had NOT been! During that 48 hours, my believing and owning the lies she said to me wreaked HAVOC with my horsemanship.

Waking up now, I have decided to reject the lies and to refocus my mind on truth.

I learned something very powerfully through this!

It was a continuation of what I experienced with Harley a week and a half ago. If I go to him with an agenda, with a lack of confidence, or a pretense, then he will see through it in nothing flat. On Friday, I even walked him to the trailer explaining, "Harley, you know that lady you really like? Well, she said some things to me that really have made me feel like garbage...and that is what she wanted! So today I need you to give me the benefit of the doubt and fill in for me." (Obviously, how much of this Harley actually understood is up for some debate. ;-) But giving my feelings a voice was cathartic for me certainly.)

What transpired was the single most challenging ride I have *ever* had with him--even going back 4 years ago! We started out nice and ended nice but everything in between was crazy...popping up, hippity skippity, crow hops, bucking, stomping of back feet...and my last maneuver looked a bit like a trick rider (well, not so graceful)...clinging for all I was worth with my right hand to his mane, my left hand to the rein on his sidepull on the left. My right leg was trying to hang over the saddle, left foot still in the stirrup...he was bucking as we cantered up a hill and I had to decide to plant my feet on the ground since it was clear I couldn't haul my sorry bum back up into the saddle. I was so angry, I was determined not to come off. As it became clear that my feet were going to be landing on the ground ahead of another part of my anatomy, I was concerned that I would be dragged...as I was NOT going to let go! Besides, if I let go, I would have the potential of falling in the way of Harley's back feet and being pummelled. NOT a good thing.

Miraculously, as I allowed my feet to touch the ground on his left side (I was facing his tail, if you can picture it), he came to a dead STOP. Thankfully.

Having gotten the brace out of his system, I praised him for not freaking out more for having me cling to his left side so desperately. I then took some deep breaths and remounted. We rode the rest of the way back to the trailer at a nice calm walk.

All of this came out ok, but I cried the entire way home. I was positive that the nasty person whose lies I had believed would be laughing with glee if she could see me.

After thinking and praying through this a bit, I realized that by believing those lies I had effectively changed. After 6 rides the previous week, four of which were on the trail--and all on the trail were AWESOME--I knew that the negotiable thing...the variable had been me...what I believed about me and my horsemanship. It was that simple. And all because of a ridiculous thing that someone said to wound me! Go figure!

So after Harley and I took Saturday off, this morning, we got up bright and early and hubby and I headed out for a one hour ride. Same place. I talked with hubby about what I was bringing to this ride that was going to be different from Friday's ride. I wanted to focus on the positive. But more than that...I don't buy thinking "positive" unless it is TRUTH. So I brought that to the ride, too. What was truth was great enough that I didn't need to drum up something fake.

Since May of 2007 when Harley came back from Melissa's (my trainer) Harley and I have ridden the trail at least 140 times. In all that time, there has been some excitement, sure, but never has there been a ride like the one we had on Friday. I have been in process the entire time. Surely I lacked confidence more earlier on in our journey together...but Friday I was trying to fake it. He is used to me being there for him--to whatever capacity I can be. He knows if I am not *able* to be there and am doing my best. But Friday, I wasn't bringing what he knew I could bring. I wasn't reliable. I wasn't predictable. I wasn't as confident as I typically am. I couldn't be. I was too busy being caught up in my own drama. Believing the lie that I am a rotten horse-mom and lousier horsewoman.

This morning, I returned to what was true. I refocused, recentered, and rehearsed the truth in my head over and over again to the point of believing it again, so all was right in our world together. We had the quietest ride we have ever had, in fact. It was peaceful as the sun came up.

What did I take from this?

What do I believe about myself? About my horsemanship? About how my horses respond to it all? How shakable are these beliefs? Can one difficult experience, one rude comment topple all of it down? I need to be more tenacious than that!

Or if I have a ride that challenges me, or if, when I am handling one of my other horses--Doc--I feel like he is taller than a 3 story building and has no idea I am on this planet...will that now define my horsemanship? My skill? All the things I have learned? Does that one experience somehow minimize or negate all the incredible learning moments that have preceded it?

No. I have learned through this experience to guard my heart, my mind, my horsemanship...to decide what I will believe. I guess in a strange way I am glad that the person said to me what she did. I learned an incredibly valuable lesson through this. One that I will not soon forget. My horses and I will be better for my having learned it.